The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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