I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
