Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
