Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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