you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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