guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
