ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
