Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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