I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
