Just fell off a train. Bad.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
