apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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