peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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