I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
