I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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