There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
