I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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