Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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