85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
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