You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
