I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
