Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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