so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
