I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
