the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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