from now on my penis is your penis
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Hippo gnu deer
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
