I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
