I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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