it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
