I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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