I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
