My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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