so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
