I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
