Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
false alarm. still invincible.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
