Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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