Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
