Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
