Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
