trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
