so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
