Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
