if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
