Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
