walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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