I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
