Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
