what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
