You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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