Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
