im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
