every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
