She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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